


Lord of Rapping

by OwlNation



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Battle of Hogwarts, Canon Divergence, Gen, Harry Potter is the god of rapping, Music, OotP, PoA quotes, Rap Battles, Songs, Umbitch lives and dies in the first chapter, Voldemort can sing, craccc, dada, gryffindor has laws and everything, gryffindor parties, lots of trademarks, some mild swearing, this legit came from that video where Daniel Radcliffe rapped alphabet aerobics, twin-speak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:02:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26744077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlNation/pseuds/OwlNation
Summary: To the students and staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, one of the greatest mysteries of the school was what really happened during the legendary Gryffindor parties.TL;DR: The power you know not isn’t Harry’s ability to love. It’s something not even the greatest wizard in the world has. The power of rapping.
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley
Kudos: 9





	Lord of Rapping

_ “Come on, Harry!” said George, fighting his way over. “Party! Gryffindor common room, now!” _ *

Harry and Ron, still brimming with elation over their win, scurried over to George as he opened the door to the Gryffindor common room. Inside the room, people were setting up pieces of muggle equipment (a karaoke stand? microphone?) and conjuring plugs (eckletricity?). 

“So… Harry and Ron,” George said. 

“One of the greatest mysteries of Hogwarts,” Fred interjected. 

“Is what we do during our parties,” George replied, the twins going into twin-speak™. 

“So you can’t tell anyone, ok?” they both said. The two third-years nodded their heads, avidly listening to every word the twins were saying. 

“During our parties,” 

“We bring in muggle equipment,”

“And have karaoke contests,”

“Complete with candy from Honeydukes!” 

“Bloody hell!” Ron exclaimed. “That’s cool! Harry, are you going to enter?” 

“Why, of course! And I already know what song I’m going to sing,” Harry replied, smirking briefly before losing himself in his thoughts.

_________

“And that’s a wrap!” Lee Jordan, announcer, exclaimed. “An amazing performance from the leading champion, Megan Sanderson!”

Sanderson stepped off the makeshift stage to applause from the entirety of the Gryffindor common room.

“And our final performance will be given by Gryffindor’s local celebrity, our star Seeker, the Boy-Who-Lived Harry Potter!” Harry stepped onto the stage and grabbed the mic, pausing briefly to smirk before singing. 

Once the first word fell from his lips, Megan knew that by the end of the night, the title of Gryffindor Idol would no longer be hers. 

_________

Two years later, the trio walked into the first DADA class of their fifth year. 

“Hem hem. My name is Dolores Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary of the Minister,” -- Hermione’s smug smile stayed on her face for a total of ten seconds, a record -- “and Lord of Rapping.” 

At that, all of Gryffindor House was fuming in their seats, letting out an aura of pure loathing. Though that was intimidating, that was nothing compared to what Harry was going to do that day. 

“Lord of Rapping, you say?” Harry questioned silently, channeling Snape into his speech. 

“Why y-yes! Can you hear?” Umbridge questioned with a sickly sweet smile that reminded Harry of a toad.

Harry exploded. “Dolores Jane Umbridge, I challenge you to a rap battle!”

Umbridge continued smiling. “Foolish boy. I accept. How about we do it right now? Everyone, keep your books away.” 

One hour later, Harry James Potter was declared Lord of Rapping. As for Dolores Jane Umbridge… Shamed, she fled to the Forbidden Forest, where she encountered the herd of centaurs. To this day, the centaurs claimed her body went missing, but no one knows if this is true or not. 

_________

“All in favor?” Percy Weasley, the head boy, asked the gaggle of Gryffindors. After a few minutes, Percy counted the raised wands. “It’s a unanimous vote! The Harry Potter law is now part of the Gryffindor Charter™ and should be treated as law!”

__________

After the Brutal Defeat of Umbitch™, life at Hogwarts continued like normal. Another two years passed as quickly as a flying hippogriff, and the war between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort reached its climax. 

After it was reported that Harry Potter was at Hogwarts, Headmaster Severus Snape called a meeting accompanied by the Dark Lord Voldemort.

“If anybody has any news on the whereabouts of Harry Potter, come forth,” Snape said, scanning the student body with his eyes. Voldemort stood at the head of the hall, piercing everyone with his red eyes. 

Immediately after Snape finished his sentence, a figure stepped forth from the group of students. 

“Tom Marvolo Riddle, also known as Lord Voldemort!” Harry Potter yelled. Everyone gasped. Behind him, the large doors to the Great Hall opened, revealing the rest of the Order of the Phoenix. “I challenge you to a rap battle!” Hearing this, Professor McGonagall tried to drag Harry away, only for her wrist to be caught by Neville Longbottom. 

“Very well! Face the full power of the greatest rapper in the world and his crew, Tommy and the Ridd-” Voldemort cleared his throat briefly before continuing. “I mean Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters! Minions,” he said, gesturing to the Death Eaters stationed at the gates. “Get the speakers and the microphone!” 

Three minutes later, everything was set up and ready to go. “Prepare to die, Harry Potter.” And Voldemort sang. 

_ If you got the mark, then blast it _

_ If you're pureblood, we'll have it _

_ No need to fear the dark magic! _

_ Come on, curse! Just cast it _

_ No need to fear the dark magic _

_ Saturday night and we takin Hogwarts _

_ Don't believe me, just watch! (Come on) _

If you asked anybody at the battle, they would say that “he’s ugly af, but he sings like a god.” He sang the lyrics with the correct pitch, tempo, and matched it to the music coming from the speakers. It was perfect. 

After his performance, Voldemort was met with enthusiastic applause from the Death Eaters and a scattering of applause from Hogwarts. 

“Scared, Pottah?” Draco Malfoy teased as Harry picked up his mic. 

“You wish,” Harry remarked before starting his music. 

_ Artificial amateurs aren't at all amazing _

_ Analytically, I assault, animate things _

_ Broken barriers bounded by the bomb beat _

_ Buildings are broken, basically I'm bombarding _

_ Casually create catastrophes, casualties _

_ Canceling cats got their canopies collapsing _

_ Detonate a dime of dank daily doin' dough _

_ Demonstrations, Don Dada on the down low _

_ Eatin' other editors with each and every energetic _

_ Epileptic episode, elevated etiquette _

_ Furious fat fabulous fantastic _

_ Flurries of funk felt feeding the fanatics _

_ Gift got great global goods gone glorious _

_ Gettin' Godly in his game with the goriest _

_ Hit 'em high, hella height, historical _

_ Hey holocaust hints hear 'em holler at your homeboy _

\---

“So fucking slow!” Bellatrix jeered. “Do you think that you can beat our Lord with words alone?” The Death Eaters cheered with Bellatrix’s statement. 

The next lyrics made her regret her words. 

\---

_ Imitators idolize, I intimidate _

_ In a instant, I'll rise in a irate state _

_ Juiced on my jams like jheri curls jockin' joints _

_ Justly, it's just me, writin' my journals _

_ Kindly I'm kindling all kinds of ink on _

_ Karate kick type brits in my kingdom _

_ Let me live a long life, lyrically lessons is _

_ Learned lame louses just lose to my livery _

_ My mind makes marvelous moves, masses _

_ Marvel and move, many mock what I've mastered _

\---

The muggleborn and muggle-raised wixen were in awe. If he could sing the rest of the song as well as he sang the previous part, Voldemort was toast.

\---

_ Ninjas _ ** _ nap knowin' I'm nice naturally _

_ Knack, never lack, make noise nationally _

_ Operation, opposition, off, not optional _

_ Out of sight, out of mind, wide beaming opticals _

_ Perfected poem, powerful punchlines _

_ Pummeling petty powder puffs in my prime _

_ Quite quaint quotes keep quiet it's Quannum _

_ Quarrelers ain't got a quarter of what we got uh _

_ Really raw raps, risin' up rapidly _

_ Riding the rushing radioactivity _

\---

At this point, everyone was in awe, even the Death Eaters. He could already sing this fast, and they somehow knew that the song would get faster. 

\---

_ Super scientifical sound search sought _

_ Silencing super fire saps that are soft _

_ Tales ten times talented, too tough _

_ Take that, challengers, get a tune up _

_ Universal, unique untouched _

_ Unadulterated, the raw uncut _

_ Verb vice Lord victorious valid _

_ Violate vibes that are vain make 'em vanished _

_ [Incomprehensible] well would a wise word Smith _

_ Just weaving up words weeded up, I'm a work shift _

_ Xerox, my X-ray-diation holes extra large _

_ X-height letters and xylophone tones _

\---

“What the fuck…” McGonagall whispered to herself under her breath. She now understood what Longbottom was talking about. 

\---

_ Yellow back, yak mouth, young ones yaws _

_ Yesterday's lawn yards sell our yawn _

_ Zig zag zombies, zoomin' to the zenith _

_ Zero in zen thoughts, overzealous rhyme Zea-lots _

Harry finished with a flourish, dropping the mic from his outstretched hand before jumping down from the platform. For a second, everyone was silent. Then, when the first person stood up and clapped, the others soon followed. It was a standing ovation  _ for him.  _

“NOOOOOOOOO!” Voldemort screamed. “Lord Voldemort cannot be defeated by the likes of  **you!** ” As Voldemort ranted, his body started disintegrating until he was completely dead. 

Everybody cheered. 

_________

**bonus 1:**

“Wait,” Harry said, stopping Ron and Hermione in their tracks. “What happened to the Horcruxes?” 

“Ohh… after the battle, Nagini disintegrated. We can assume that the other Horcruxes are destroyed as well,” Hermione answered. 

“So we could have ended the war earlier by coming to Hogwarts on September first and challenging him to a rap battle  this whole time ?!?” Ron screeched. 

_________

**bonus 2:**

Minerva McGonagall reached a hand out to grab onto Harry’s shoulder and shove that idiotic boy away from Voldemort. 

“Professor!” Longbottom said, running forward and tugged her wrist away. “You don’t want to do that!” 

“And why should I not, Longbottom?” she snapped. 

“Do you remember Umbridge?” He didn’t wait for her to respond before continuing. “During the first defense class of the year, Umbridge declared herself as the lord of rappers. Harry challenged her to a battle. Long story short, Harry trounced Umbridge and she ran to the Forbidden Forest in shame.”

“Oh that! That was the best day of my life!” Finnigan joined in. “We created a new law in the Charter™ because of that!”

“And what exactly was this rule?” the professor questioned, piercing Finnigan with one of her Cat Stares™. Finnigan fidgeted for a few seconds before answering. 

“Never challenge Harry James Potter to a rap battle unless you want to be shamed and die in exile.”

**Author's Note:**

> Key to the Stars:   
> * direct quote from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, page 191  
> ** The actual lyric doesn't say ninjas, it says another word which I shall not name
> 
> writing oneshots to pass time instead of updating my other story lol
> 
> this idea legit came from that video where Daniel Radcliffe rapped Alphabet Aerobics by Blackalicious 
> 
> link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKdV5FvXLuI   
> the real song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D5iyKXZcUQ (this is the song Harry raps)
> 
> the song Voldemort sings: Dark Lord Funk - https://youtu.be/zbdvogFyZZM
> 
> feel free to comment!


End file.
